My depressing Christmas rant~ being broke around the holidays.

   christmas is weighing heavy on my heart today, so i felt like sharing some of my struggles in hopes that other's in my position might not feel so alone. also, to be perfectly honest, i just really need to vent!

it's the first of December today and not much has changed. it's snowy outside and with Thanksgiving and the dreaded Black Friday just passing, it's hard to ignore the gift buying season craze. I've heard others say on Facebook and also in the real world that almost all their gifts are bought. i see parents excited to be buying their wee ones the new xbox one, iPads, tablets, etc. i can imagine what kids must be saying at school, excited in anticipation... counting down to the big day! Christmas lists are being made and believe me, my boys have already made theirs as well.

my husband and i have tried our best to keep the christmas magic alive. we still refuse to reveal the truth about santa to our "wise beyond his years", 11 year old Jayden. i know he may even know, it's just an unsaid agreement that we keep santa alive and well within' our home~ especially for our 6 year old,  Zen. & ooo how i wish good ole Saint Nick was as magical as he's said to be! cause the sad truth is, this year my husband and i literally have no money for christmas, not one red cent...

not that we ever have a ton of extra cash tucked away, we usually just find a way to make it work & we do. though, this year is the first i can remember that we seriously haven't a clue what we're going to do, and the big day is just mere weeks away. see, we just moved into a new place and my husband is on unemployment which runs out mid January (so yeah, we have that weighing on us as well). we've been struggling just to afford our bills as of lately and with my anxiety, i haven't been able to even attempt to find a job. needless to say, we kinda got some shit-crick action going on :( & with impeccable timing i must ad.

localy they have this program that helps, it's called "Project Love". we did fill out a form, and named a few toys the kids had on their list. don't get me wrong~ i'm completely grateful that this program exists! i mean, it's very helpful and it's free. that said, i know they only give a couple toys for each child and you are usually lucky if you get what's on the list you give them. i feel horrible even saying it's not enough, it's SOMETHING. something is surely better than nothing.

i guess i have this horrible habit of looking around and comparing, seeing all these kids get whatever they wish for~ super pricey toys that i could only dream of affording for my guys. i love them so incredibly much that i just want the best for them. lord frickin' knows material crap is not what they need. i mean heck, most of the gifts kids get are so fleeting that they forget they even have them a couple weeks later, right? so why am i so heart broken to not have a heap of gifts under my tree this year? i feel so terrible, i just don't want them to be disappointed. i want to see their lil eyes light up that morning and get all excited... my inner child lives for them on christmas morning.

there's not much else to say but that i'm sad and i hoped maybe there are others out there that DON'T get a huge christmas bonus or have a ton of money saved. other parents that i could sympathize with. i swear i know not one other family that is in our position this year, but i know they definitely do exist.

thanks for reading my christmas rant. i don't mean to bum anyone out, i actually had a whole other post planned out to do (about coffee), lol. i strongly felt like sharing what was truly on my mind today & maybe just writing it and having it out there will make me feel better, i sure do hope so.

~peace and blessin's to all~

on a side note~ why can't this guy be the real deal?! i still wish it to be true. <33