strange things are happening

    

(a random snap from one of my recent doc visits)

life is like a rollercoaster, but like....a really crazy, insane one that would probably never be legal in  the real world! 

sometimes things seem so stressful and difficult. like for instance, money problems or relationship problems, work issues, social issues, etc. the list goes on...& ON..& on! then sometimes, real HUGE stuff that's bigger than anything you could have fathomed happens that makes "earth" problems fade away.... like losing someone you love. :(

i feel like i've been riding a bit of the BIG problem train, and sure~ it definitely could be worse but then again, it still kinda SUCKS.

i hope my story is a good one, and one that helps others...but i'm not quite sure how it will end or what will unravel along the way. i guess writing about it gives me some kind of hope and comfort <3

basically, just recently, i finally (after a few years of dragging my booty) found a new obgyn & scheduled a pap. THE DREADED PAP!! ugh, we all hate them but they really are a great thing, as awkward as they can be. any who~ i survived the pap. though, after talking to my doc about certain "period" issues i've been having, she suggested i get an ultrasound to make sure everything looked okay internally. 

little did i know how awkward the ultrasound would be! & i thought the pap was bad. anyways~ we'll skip the TMI & get on with it. the very same day i survived the ultrasound, my doctor's office called and wanted me back in ASAP. i knew right away that was probably NOT a good sign. 

to sum it all up, they found a mass either on or near one of my ovaries. they say "mass" because it is solid and not fluid like, as a cyst would be. it's also not a fibroid (but i had some of them, too~ the doc said those are nothing to worry about). so yeah, a MASS...which yes, could be cancerous, apparently theres no real way of knowing until they take it out. my pap results came back normal :), and most of all my blood tests are normal, too :) there was one test they did that kinda confused me. they said the normal range is from 1-20 & mine was a 23, which is slightly elevated. i'm hoping for the best though ~ the next step~ MRI. 

so yesterday, i finally had my MRI done which was anything but pleasant. i'm such an awkward, anxiety~ridden person, i frustrate myself! basically, i thought i was too fat to fit in the damn tube (also, i'm seriously claustrophobic *and not just one of those people that say they are, i will walk up crazy stair case levels just to avoid an elevator). & even worse, i had a bad reaction to the *contrast* stuff they put in my veins. the guy that was helping me was nice, but kinda like...hey, deal with it sister! i felt like i was going to barf (which does happen apparently w/ this contrasting stuff) and immediately broke out into a sweat after he injected me. then afterwards i broke out into a rash. the nurse took my blood pressure and said it was super high! she told me i must of been having a panic attack, along with a bad reaction to the contrast. that was IT, man. i left there (after the nurse finally let me), and burst into tears. 

i just thought, "what the hell?? who has a bad reaction to something like that, why am i such a freak?? and i'm supposed to be put *under*?!!? surely that will KILL ME!" now, i was thinking this mostly in my head and verbalizing some of it to my husband who was (thankfully) driving. it's like... i have people telling me everything will be okay but nothing sinks in. i'm scared shitless, absolutely mortified and after the MRI, it seemed to make all my worries worse. i want to think happy thoughts and convince myself everything will be okay but every time i'm finally feeling more positive about things, evil Julie creeps back in. she thinks the worse possible outcome of all things in life and sucks my will to live! i really can't stand her...

so, that's where i'm at right now. i'm trying to deal with it, but i dare say~ not doing too great of a job at it. i don't want to sugar coat anything and make it seem like i am a complete optimist about the whole situation. i hope someday to look back on this and be like, *see evil julie! you were wrong once again! biattcchh.* (lol).

i really do hope so. anyways~ i will update more after my consultation with the gynecologist. i really hope he's a cool dude, i've already googled him and he seems to have good reviews so i am pretty optimistic about that (at least it's something).  ;)

until next time,

tootalou! 

peace & blessin's