serendipity

sitting down to write this blog i'm struggling with a direction to go in. i initially wanted to write something kind of more, "whoa is me"-ish. not in an annoying way. just in a, "hey, stuff is heavy right now" way. & though i'm definitely feeling pretty stressed a lot of the time lately, i would like to share some positivity and miraculous happenings :)

if you don't know what's up with my lady issues, you can find some back story here, (strange things are happening). a real quick recap though: they found a mass on or near my left ovary and it is suspicious for cancer, so they want to take it out. after meeting with the oncologist, he suggested i also take my uterus out, leaving only my right ovary (to prevent me from going into menopause). i was very hesitant about the hysterectomy deal, but the doctor assured me that my uterus is really BIG & has fibroids, (both bad things). he told me it would be very hard to ever conceive a third child, which i was already quite aware of. so that was that~ my partial hysterectomy scheduled for *may 31*. 

now, the reason i was so aware that it would be hard for me to conceive a third child is because my husband and i had been trying...for YEARS! we were always set on having a third child, really hoping for a girl (her name has been picked out forever) we will even bring her up in conversation as if her existence is yet to unfold, but surely will eventually. i know it sounds silly, but i guess we are both such dreamers and hoped for the best. i began to realize that something was up though, conceiving was just not happening. i thought, well...35 is the cut off point. if a baby does not happen by the age of 35, we will accept the fact. then of course with all my *lady problems*, we knew it was final. i am 35~ my uterus isn't looking too fab & i have like a thing, on my ovary. so, that was that.

rewind to last week. THE very last time i expected to have a period...and it just...never came. three weeks before a scheduled hysterectomy and YEARS of trying. what in the world?! this can't be. i had some weird symptoms and my period was late...but this can't be happening! YES it did, it happened. i am freaking PREGNANT!!! now, call it what you may...but if this isn't serendipitous, holy crap! i still can't believe it, i just can't. 

wow. i want to be SO HAPPY about this and truly, inside i am. but also, i'm freaking out. i've done my extensive google researching, and so far i think things should be okay. i know the first trimester is the most fragile time, though many woman with fibroid issues have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babes <3. 

now, you're probably wondering about the dreaded mass. well, unfortunately, i'm still going to have to get that removed. the good news is, if i can wait for the second trimester ~ the chances of anything bad happening to the baby would be really low. my oncologist will remove the mass lapriscopscly (less invasive) & we will hope for the best. i'm still terrified and rather not go that route, but i also want to be smart and not chance leaving something questionable in there for 9 months. 

i share this in hesitation but also in hope and total shock! i've taken 3 pregnancy tests now, because i honestly STILL can believe it's true. it complicates things but at the same time, i feel like this was a gift from God. i feel like God was like "julie, shit has been shitty lately, i'm gonna throw in that third baby after all! you deserve it." 

haha 

so thank you God. thank you universe, thank you for blessing me with something i've been dreaming of for years! i say this in complete understanding that heartbreaking things could still happen and we are so far from being *out of the woods*. but, the craziness of this whole situation makes me believe deep down that this is happening for a reason and why not at least try to embrace it as much as possible? why not dream a little <3 :)

peace & blessings, 

Jewls :)