slow down sweet child

lately my mind has been a whirl. i told my husband today, it feels as if i'm in a constant, mild, state of disorientation. it feels like my mind just won't stop racing...and obsessing...and worrying.
sure, most know i battle with anxiety so this comes as no surprise, but when it starts hitting me out of nowhere (after i've gone months feeling somewhat sane) it's weighs on the soul.

so today after i got out of the shower (& my mind was already revved up in full worry mode), i sat down on my bed and forced myself to meditate.

meditating may seem daunting to some and easy to others, truth is... it can be both. a little secret of mine is the awesome app i've been using, it's called "calm".
*disclaimer~ this blog post is NOT funded by the *calm* app. lol. though that would be pretty sweet!

this app has been a breath of fresh air lately. the sessions are only around 10 minutes long and guided. there are special sessions that you can *unlock* if you pay a little extra. so today for the first time i coughed up the extra dough because i really wanted to focus on my anxiety & try the *anxiety aimed 7 day session*.
i began the first day of 7 & it was not completely unlike other meditations. a lot of focus on breathing and encouragement to *be here now*. as usual, i'm finding myself calming down, almost to the point were i felt i could fall asleep.

then out of nowhere, my mind just drifts, as if in a trance... back to my childhood.

i'm about 7 years old again, a little girl with bare feet, running through the lawn in the summer time. i'm at my old house in harbor creek, in the grassy strip of lawn that led to the back yard. it was like i could FEEL the blades of grass on my feet. i got really close to stepping on one of those stupid, pricker weeds in the lawn and remember the pain. "ouch!" my mom was in the back yard tanning and someone said, "do you want to go to kelley's Corner for some penny candy?" i was so excited to hear this "YESS!!" "penny candy!" at this point i felt so over-joyed to have this memory race back into my adult head~ i lost it.

plopped on my bed, legs crossed, wet towel still on my head, bawling my eyes out. i thought, why did that just happen?? here i am, meditating to clear my mind and i'm having crazy, vivid childhood flash backs! & then it hit me. THIS is your lesson today Julie, your soul is trying to tell you something. SLOW DOWN...WAKE UP!

i then sat and thought wow, that's it. remember that little girl, Julie? (i say to myself in my head), you STILL are her! sure, you're older now and you have more responsibilities, but life isn't as complicated as you make it out to be. worrying gets you NOWHERE, it only makes your life crappy & sad. little things like "penny candy" still bring you joy. kinda like thrift shopping or walking down to the coffee shop. running in your bare tootsies STILL feels really awesome! (watch out for those evil prickers though).
you are still YOU. embrace the crap out of life, love yo-self, get out of your head. LIVE!!
*never lose your inner child*

how crazy to come to all of this realization from meditating. i don't know what exactly sparked it all, but i was really thankful for the experience. i've been thinking about it on and off today and felt, why not share? i think maybe someone else could benefit from this, too. & if not, at least i have record of it. :)

Toot-A-Lou darlings.

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