losing you: a letter to cody.

you don't quite know, until you do.

how harsh the world seems.... with out you.

words escape my mind and i'm stumbling

stumbling for words. stumbling to write this.

you see, today i seen somebody that looked like you & i had to hold back the awkward "you know, you remind me of my nephew, and...he died. & you look like him & excuse me if i stand here and cry ....but can i just give you a hug?"

and this pain, it reminds me of the pain you must of felt. how i'm sure you are free now but this is just so unbearable for us. that sounds selfish now that i type it, i just want you to be happy...but its sad. it's hard to realize the world keeps spinning on after the deepest loves of our lives fall from this physical plane. & what makes my life so precious that i have lived longer than you?

everything seems darker now. & sometimes i forget about you being gone. then i see a picture of you and i think "no..no....no...no...NOO.. NOOOOOOO!!!" 

(( tears ))

no, not him. not my 23 year old nephew... who was the first i truly loved. the first human being i ever seen as a baby & thought, this..this is what it's like to love someone so small... this is what it's like to love someone other than my parents & my brother & sister. this is so REAL. 

i remember thinking, i don't know what i'd do if something happened to you. we were so close back then and in my head i keep going back to that time. i keep replaying all the memories & even though "they say" the good memories make you feel better, i don't really know if they do. 

i just miss you more.  

and each day i forget for awhile & for awhile it's okay again. 

and each day i try to push the memories back just to fall asleep thinking of your sweet face.

this is hard for me, but what about your mom & dad, what about shyla? what about grandma & grandpa? my heart breaks for our broken family. just..why did you have to do this dude?

i'm not really mad at you but i am. now i understand this addiction thing so i get it, but i still wish things could have played out differently. i'll always wish that....

(To be continued)