A bit about Anxiety...

some may say anything can be conquered, you just need to try hard enough. i believe that to be mostly true. i keep holding onto that hopeful theory, it's the only thing that gets me through.

anxiety~

it's like each day is different, but not in a good way. some days are good...but far fewer than should be. 

mostly, it's a continuous battle of pushing down the negative, obsessive thoughts that haunt my mind. 

for an example, part of a day in the life:

morning~>

*yawn*~ i'm feeling pretty okay today, phew. :-) goes through the motions, drinks some coffee. anxious mind turns on *i wonder how today will be? i wonder if i can get through the work day w/ out having anxiety? i wonder if we will pay the electric bill on time? or what about the insurance?... that one's so time sensitive. i wonder if she is mad at me? does he hate me? why did he unfriend me? i'm annoying, i just know it...wtf. i hate myself sometimes.*

*okay, julie, c'mon! give yourself a break, think positive thoughts!*

anxiety~ *she can't, she's stupid and fat and worries about everything, that's just how she is.*

goes to work, gets through first half of the day okay.

2-3 o'clock hits. *why does my face feel numb?? why does it do this so often?! i'm probably having mini strokes and am going to die. i hate this, i am having a stroke, right? why can't i feel my face? now my hands feel numb and clammy... oh god damnit! this always happens to me! okay just calm down, breathe. don't let anyone know you're feeling like this. pretend everything is okay. *Inside screams*, "you are fucking wigging out man! don't ignore it!!"starts pacing around, starts trying to push negative thinking aside. **panic attack sets in** "sorry, i have to go to the bathroom"... leaves to the bathroom. takes a lorazepam. *okay, calm down...this will eventually kick in and you'll feel much better, just calm down*

---takes sometimes an hour to feel calm again---

once it does, i'm okay again. i can deal...my mind eases and i have no side effects from lorazepam, it just makes me feel normal again. (((i only take the lowest dosage of this pill when encountered with a panic attack, it can be highly addictive so i don't recommend it to just everyone. it helps me to cope w/ my panic attacks though))

this is just an example of a small chunk of a typical day for me. my physical and mental symptoms range but i have many recurring ones. such as~ numbness in my face/hands/arms/etc, visual problems, breathing issues, etc). some days are better, as i said, some worse. i worry about things normal people shouldn't worry about. i obsess over things that scare me, i avoid many social situations because they scare me. i will say though, forcing myself to do more (though at the time can be horrific) does help tremendously in the long run. it's the not giving up part that is so important. anxiety has a way of coming and going. sometimes i go months feeling just fine (this is the best!) & then for no apparent reason, it will creep back. 

i feel the longer you have it, the more you kind of learn what works best for you, but it is like an invisible terror. you can tell people you have it, but those who haven't experienced it themselves probably won't quite understand. i remember my dad having anxiety when i was young. i remember thinking "what is wrong with him? he looks fine, he just needs to get over it already!" what a rude way to think, right? now that i'm older i obviously know exactly why my dad struggled so much, i literally feel his pain. now my dad doesn't have anxiety nearly as much, he says it's part of growing older...you just stop caring as much! lol. i hope he's right. 

today i was just thinking about how much anxiety sucks and maybe writing this will help others relate. i don't know, i felt like writing and this is what came out. if anyone struggles with similar issues, feel free to message me. i'm all ears ;-)

peace & blessin's <33