ramblings of an anxiety ridden, overly-cynical, jealous wife.

discussing this subject online is a bit scary for me. most people (i would think) wouldn't want to air their "dirty laundry" or ugly side for the world to see. we often hide behind molded images we want others to see us as. i guess i've always kinda hated that about humans, how hard we try to impress one another when in reality everyone's a bit messed up on some level.

so, that being said i suppose i will start my ramble. :)

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first off,

i have anxiety/panic disorder, which adds to paranoia of my thought patterns.

then,

through certain life experiences i've developed a very cynical view of the world, no matter how hard i try not to. examples of my behavior include: avoiding social situations, negative thinking, complete distrust in most people, always expecting the worst outcome, obsessing, self loathing, etc.

lastly,

my jealousy. this is primary (but not completely) based upon issues w/ my husband. i have a really hard time getting past the past which completely ruins the present (totally aware of this). even though i know i'm making matters worse i can't seem to move on. BIG TIME trust issues.

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so, those are the three biggies. i recently was having a "discussion" with the hubs.. or okay, it was actually an argument (lets keep it real here!), and i kinda had a "WOW" moment. the argument had to do with my jealousy/distrust issues and i just kinda sat there & was like. "jer, it's not JUST you that i distrust, it's men in general, wait, no.... it's humans in general." after i said that it hit me, i'm just an insanely cynical person! when did this happen?! i don't remember being this way before, have my life experiences been that bad to lead me to this point? i just don't really know. BUT it makes me so sad.

let's face it, my husband & i have both done each other wrong in the past, i don't think it's much of a secret so i don't mind throwing it out there. through it all, we've somehow managed to keep on trucking, love each other like crazy & have no intentions on giving up anytime soon. though, how can i think this way in one hand and then distrust him so much in the other? how can i never give him the "benefit of the doubt". it's like i'm constantly attempting to keep him away from temptation in fear of losing him. i know that is no kind of life to live. so, at times i sit back and think, what can i do?

i've thought of counseling but don't have good enough insurance to cover it, & don't wish to see a religious counselor. other than that i really don't know. i want help, i want to know how to change things for the better, to trust more & worry less. i've even searched online for tips/advice but nothing usually sticks.

recently i'm going through a rough patch in the jealousy department, thus the post. i would go into more detail but i guess that would probably be a little too OUT THERE, so i shall refrain.

BUT if anybody has advice, can relate, or just wants to talk about similar issues, feel free to send me a personal message. i would LOVE to hear from others concerning these issues.

thanx to all who actually stuck around to hear out my rambling, i know it's not a very positive post  but life isn't always *unicorns & rainbows* i suppose. though...that would be kinda awesome.

good day sirs, peace & blessings :)